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Comedy gold. Let’s go to the phones!
(818): people and things i regret. that’s what i want to do tonight.
(631): all I know is if I don’t watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
(406): When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
(+27): This girl is more easily done than said…
(214): I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
(913): I’m 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens
(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come tru
(386): it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally
(818): he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok….i really need to get a job
(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn’t get along
(703): i feel like i’m waiting in line to date brett michaels
(612): I don’t know what you were told but i for sure didn’t sleep with any one but steve’s couch
(610): The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem
(201): Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first date
(816): Are you guys doing anything tonight?
(859): Krysta
(408): I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
(315): Omg I def was not. I wasn’t that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn’t whip my tit out.
(214): Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
(248): im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
(323): I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
(401): Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita’s at the bar are only 3dollars.
(312): Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
(619): Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
(440): Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, “All you need is your daddy’s credit card and a lack of self-respect.”
(203): The night began with “let go home early so we can study for my 9am final” and ended with “show me your boobs for a free pack of gum”.My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
(714): He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
(714): Ive only called 5 times
(617): Where were you when I was single???
(1-617): Still in diapers.
(301): porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
(317): why did u let me go home with him last night?
(260): u were determined it was a good idea
(318): i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
(812): Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
(917): Oh good. Romantic. Still, I’m jealous of the sex.
(812): Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
(330): so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
(508): hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
(214): ok, stay where you are, be there soon
(763): Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
(214): dude. I’m so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce’s mom
(214): I can’t wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce’s mom
(512): I’m drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
(519): If it’s any consolation, be grateful that you’re not in New Jersey.
